I want adventure.  I want to get lost in words and beauty and to find life.  Not money.  I'm so sick of money and worrying about it and thinking about it.  My heart aches for dark starry nights and new air and scents.  And it aches for no reason at all, I often think.  I want to do things and embrace adventures, to grab chances and try things that I've always wanted to do...  but I don't. 

I end up talking with my mom and getting smacked by reality.  "Do you really think you'll be able to afford college by just working this spring?" 

No.  And I don't want to think about it.  Right now I just want to imagine that everything will work out and I'll get my plane ticket and sunshine and excitement.

So I give up.  Yes, I'll work hard.  Yes, I'll wait it out.  Yes, I'll still dream about the chance to fly away... but when?  I don't know.  And that's what's hard.  Not the waiting, just the when.  (Oh, and I love my mom, I really do, she is awesome, this just tends to happen right when I need encouragement, not a douse of cold, metaphorical, water)

I wish the whole world  was summer, and training was free to those who were excited and passionate, instead of back-breaking and bars clanging expensive.  And giving could be extravagant instead of calculating and tax-deductible.  And there was no such thing as statistics and charts and income and debt and credit and trucks breaking down.  And summers could be donated without it ruining your chances of graduating on time or moving out.  I wish there was no such thing as a voice of reason and Mom never felt the need to "be mom" during my wild and completely impractical moments of believing something I want might work out and not take years of boring, joy-killing, depressing, back-breaking labor.  I wish everyone had summer vacation or at least could spend it outside, and I wish people didn't mind the rain so much and would weed or dance in it anyway.  And that plane tickets didn't cost over a thousand dollars not including luggage and that Alaskan summers had stars and the ocean wasn't so far away.  I wish there was no such thing as worry and falling asleep was easy and getting up was exciting.  I wish there was no such thing as cynics or critics.

And I wish we'd all love like we say we should love and that hearts didn't get broken, or if they did the pain would feel beautiful and love would come and quickly heal it.  And I wish there was no such thing as shame or judgment, and that waiting was just as admired as action. 

(There would a photos, but blogger is not letting me!  Gerrr.)