Ever since I read House Like a Lotus I've been on a Madeline L'Engle kick.  And it's been so good.  The perspectives she gives and the questions she asks and the pictures she paints are wonderful.  So the past while has been A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Many Waters, and An Acceptable Time.  I'd like to just share some quotes, as a way to explain.

"For a moment no one spoke.  Then Meg said, "maybe there's hope."

Sandy waved her words away, "Really, Meg, be reasonable."

"Why?  We don't live in a reasonable world.  Nuclear war is not reasonable.  Reason hasn't gotten us anywhere.""  ~ A Swiftly Tilting Planet

"They moved through the time-spinning reaches of a far galaxy.  And he realized that the galaxy itself was part of a mighty orchestra, and each star and planet within the galaxy added its own instrument to the music of the spheres.  As long as the ancient harmonies were sung, the universe would not entirely loose its joy." 

~ A Swiftly Tilting Planet

"Sandy nodded.  His voice came out more normally, "I like the way Tycho Brahe was so in awe of the maker of the heavens that he put on his court robes before going to his telescope." 

"Who told you that?"

"Meg."

"I like that, I really do.""

~Many Waters

Anchorage was lovely, as was the drive.  I hope I can go back soon, but if not it'll be fine, it was just really good to reconnect with a few of my friends.  More pictures will show up through future posts, I didn't take a whole lot, because mostly we were just in shops and I don't like to take pictures in shops.

A friend and I are driving down to Anchorage tomorrow for a fun little weekend vacation and I am extremely excited.  It's going to be primarily shopping, mostly thrift stores if I get my wish (there's only one thrift store here, and while it's good, it is very overpriced), and just lots of fun!  I've been wanting to do something like this for a long time.  We'll be chasing down sunlight, breathing in warmer air, and nestled into the mountains.  Yay, yay, yay!  This is what I've been needing.

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is to live everything.  Live the question now.  Perhaps then, some day far into the future, you will gradually without noticing it, live your way into the answer. 

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

When I first found that quote I knew it was important and I knew I needed it and I knew it was right, but I couldn't understand it.  Not really.  How could one stand a room locked up with no notion of what's inside?  How can you love the questions without seeing the answer?  But God's helping me get there.  Always lurking in the back of my mind are the questions; what about this summer?  where will I be?  what will I be doing?  who will be with me? but His silent, sliver voice comes "not now, not yet" and the panic can subside.

Now isn't the time, let go, trust.  Over and over and over.  It will happen.  There will be strength enough for what ever is ahead.

I think of loving the question without the answer rather like poetry or wordless music, it holds such an abundance of meaning, you can't discover it all, you can't bleed it dry.  You just have to savor it, like a sunrise or a star-filled sky or a glass of wine.  It can't last forever, and the world might not get better when it ends, but you can soak in the moment as much as you can.  Quit trying to see in the dark and look at the heavens, there is the purpose and the beauty and the healing and the rest that can never be exhausted.

Maybe that's how one lives a question.

I want adventure.  I want to get lost in words and beauty and to find life.  Not money.  I'm so sick of money and worrying about it and thinking about it.  My heart aches for dark starry nights and new air and scents.  And it aches for no reason at all, I often think.  I want to do things and embrace adventures, to grab chances and try things that I've always wanted to do...  but I don't. 

I end up talking with my mom and getting smacked by reality.  "Do you really think you'll be able to afford college by just working this spring?" 

No.  And I don't want to think about it.  Right now I just want to imagine that everything will work out and I'll get my plane ticket and sunshine and excitement.

So I give up.  Yes, I'll work hard.  Yes, I'll wait it out.  Yes, I'll still dream about the chance to fly away... but when?  I don't know.  And that's what's hard.  Not the waiting, just the when.  (Oh, and I love my mom, I really do, she is awesome, this just tends to happen right when I need encouragement, not a douse of cold, metaphorical, water)

I wish the whole world  was summer, and training was free to those who were excited and passionate, instead of back-breaking and bars clanging expensive.  And giving could be extravagant instead of calculating and tax-deductible.  And there was no such thing as statistics and charts and income and debt and credit and trucks breaking down.  And summers could be donated without it ruining your chances of graduating on time or moving out.  I wish there was no such thing as a voice of reason and Mom never felt the need to "be mom" during my wild and completely impractical moments of believing something I want might work out and not take years of boring, joy-killing, depressing, back-breaking labor.  I wish everyone had summer vacation or at least could spend it outside, and I wish people didn't mind the rain so much and would weed or dance in it anyway.  And that plane tickets didn't cost over a thousand dollars not including luggage and that Alaskan summers had stars and the ocean wasn't so far away.  I wish there was no such thing as worry and falling asleep was easy and getting up was exciting.  I wish there was no such thing as cynics or critics.

And I wish we'd all love like we say we should love and that hearts didn't get broken, or if they did the pain would feel beautiful and love would come and quickly heal it.  And I wish there was no such thing as shame or judgment, and that waiting was just as admired as action. 

(There would a photos, but blogger is not letting me!  Gerrr.)

Love isn’t always a two way street.  Sometimes it’s barely even a trail, sometimes you have to help each other up as you fight not to slip back down the steep and muddy way you just came.  Sometimes it’s a rest stop.  And sometimes it’s nothing short of a road side robbery.  And even sometimes it’s just one person, walking on a nice wide wooded path, completely alone.  Sometimes it’s easy.  Sometimes it’s hard.  Sometimes it’s beautiful.  Sometimes it’s bloody.  Sometimes it’s a choice.  Sometimes it happens entirely against your will.  Sometimes it wrecks you and sometimes it heals.  Sometimes it fills your heart to overflowing, and sometimes it leaves it completely dry.  But always, if you let it, it leaves your heart larger then it was before.   Sometimes love gives you everything, and sometimes love means you give everything.