honesty

 

We have snow.  I think it's winter here for good.

I want to live a lovely life, a selfless life; want to bless and give and give and bless.  And to be a sacrifice, an offering, something broken and made beautiful by God, while in the bloody middle of the suffering.  I want to live beyond myself, I want to break and see the beauty.  I want to cry and not be ashamed, I want to love and not deny it, even if that love is never returned or was never meant to be.   Maybe that’s why.  Maybe that’s why I’ve never been loved back.  Because isn’t that what He feels?  Maybe that’s the piece of God’s heart that I get to share.  At least for now. 

Yes, I know what it is to love and not be loved back. 

But I'm just now realizing that maybe it’s not something to be ashamed of.  Maybe it’s a bit of a treasure.  A bit of a sight into what God’s heart feels, only on a much larger scale. 

Is there any end to what can be learned in pain?  I find that suffering is like the ocean.  There are small breaths between the waves, but they never stop and when they hit it’s harder than you remembered them being before. 

It's so much.  So, so much.